Everybody knows that everything the US does, the rest of the world will mimic like a pet parrot in a Tourette's Sufferers' Rest Home. So, it seems pretty obvious that UK anti-drug bores with too much time on their hands (like me) would eventually find a new raison d'etre, joyfully hectoring gay men and health organisations about crystal, misinterpreting otherwise sound statisitical evidence and generally standing around in clubs, looking dim witted and taking GHB.

However, despite endless drearly and 'factually creative' articles in scene magazines desperate for something called 'serious copy' and being resident anti-crystal human snorefest for print and online media alike, no-one (apart from the mostly American saddos who write to me calling me an angel) seems to be listening to THE TRUTH!

AIDS CHARITY LIES
I eventually realised I was going to have to take matters into my own two, shaky, ham-fisted mitts and develop both the site you see before you and the world's greatest anti-crystal meth campaign. But who pressure into funding this piece of groundbreaking education? Certainly not drug education charities - that would be far too obvious.

When I peddled my tired, GHB-soaked arse around the HIV charities of the US and Australia with my justifiably hysterical campaign in my faux-Prada document valise, I had door after door slammed in my face. And do you know why? It had become pretty clear that doors weren't the only thing they were SLAMMING. Frustratingly, only I could see this! Why else wouldn't they divert much needed money from HIV prevention work to my super-duper well-thought-out campaign?

Determined to save at least ONE part of the world I headed back home, only t find I was too late: multiple research reports had already been skewed by crystal-heads to make the problem seem like less that it was. Charities were flooding the scene with resources that glamorised crystal. Outreach workers were dealing on the side at stalls and hosting bareback orgies in darkrooms.

CONFLICTS OF INTEREST
There is something very fishy about the leading charities' silence on this. It appears they are using their money to educate gay men about HIV as they are obliged to do, instead of doing what I say and diverting all their money, time and free will to producing continent-sized billboards featuring photos of what has been rather snappily named 'meth mouth'. Isn't that cute...'meth mouth'...wish I'd thought of it but frankly I'm an idiot and I stink.

This constant obstinance on their part is despite my constant visits (5 a day, like good nutrition), kidnappings, theatening letters, flaming-bags-of-dog-shit-through-windows and the fact that that I fly over their offices twice a day on a motorised brooomstick, skywriting 'Surrender Crystal' with its exhaust fumes.

Frankly, I can only think of one explaination; everyone at these 'health' organisations are riddled with crystal meth addiction and have conflicts of interest to declare. Stay away from them; I hear you can catch it off toilet seats. Plus I think they may have assassinated President Kennedy and apartheid was all their idea.

HOMO SHOPPING NETWORK
When ITV, that most gay-friendly of UK broadcasters, aired a documentary regarding crystal meth, they practically demonstrated just how easy it was to get Tina in London. After only FIVE phone calls and a 24-hour wait, producers were eventually able to get crystal. Even though most E users are able to 'name that tune in one' and get same day service, the ease at which ITV could get crystal was frightening and really puts the declining quality of their programming into perspective, don't you think?